Look for God's Fingerprints
Disclaimer: "This blog, Southern Plum Blossom, is not an official site of the Fulbright Program or the U.S. Department of State. The views expressed on this site are entirely those of my own and do not represent the views of the Fulbright Program, the U.S. Department of State, or any of its partner organizations.
The past few days I have been thinking a lot about why I am here and what next. It's probably not time for me to give those questions much thought yet. It has only been a month, yet what does this mean?
At times, I thought God forsaken me. It made me think about my relationship with God. Did I have a relationship with God? I kept thinking and asking myself when I was still in Mississippi. I thought I was a fraud who knew nothing about how God works. I thought I was delusional to think I would be in Taiwan for a year. Did I really want to do this? With the concerns of my naivety, safety, and reasoning swirling around me, I questioned everything. I needed answers. I wanted answers to assure others and myself about what this time away would be and mean to me.
There are answers to those questions, but they aren't full answers.
I'm 13 hours ahead of and over 13,000 kilometers (over 8,000 miles) away from Mississippi. I live on an island called Jinmen. It's beautiful and small, relaxed and vibrant. I co-teach classes about different foods around the world. I received a grant to live here for a school year. I became a finalist, and long story short, I am here as a foreign English teacher. Why I am here in any other context, I am not sure.
I don't know what's next for me. I've been thinking, postulating on where my passions lie, what kind of job I'm looking for, where do I want to be after the grant is over. I had been panicking about it for the whole month. Then I realized, I'm 22 years old. Why am I having a midlife crisis? It's okay not to know what happens after June 2025 because I haven't made it to November 2024 yet. Also, I just arrived, and all I can think about is what happens when I leave. Maybe it's my future-oriented nature or maybe it's a coping mechanism I use to not think about my present worries, which are few and existential.
I have time to think and reflect. I am growing into my adult self, and the growth is far from linear. My growth is similar to how the pre-departure process went for me. Up and down and up again and below the floor and up a mile high and then smack into the concrete, then level. These growing pains affect my relationships, teaching styles, and overall experience here. I thought I could just live somewhere far away where no one knows me. It's a comforting idea, but sometimes I want to know people here. I want to make connections, have friends, and make genuine conversation past small talk. I had craved human interaction the first three weeks, wanting to socialize more than usual. I ended up not liking to socialize by the fourth week, since I didn't want to impose myself on others. I still had to improve my teaching style and materials, so I was busy working. Friendships and relationships have always been challenging for me. I don't like to talk much, and I don't really express myself outside of art and writing. I've become a recluse here. My days are spent working and writing and drawing and walking. It seems a bit boring, but I'd rather the boring routine than a chaotic one.
I used to be bogged down by college assignments and deadlines. I still have assignments and deadlines, but much fewer than those in college. I had been so used to the hustle and bustle of college that I couldn't grasp not having weeks worth of assignments due within the next two days. It's like living in allegro for four years, and suddenly you're living in adagio. Work is a continuous process of lesson planning, editing, teaching the lesson, revising the lesson, editing, next lesson plan. I may teach the same topic 5 days a week, but the lesson had changed about 15 times.
After the dramatic shifts and spirals of homesickness and loneliness dispelled, I saw God making Himself known to me again. It was a few days after I had an urge to pack my bags and leave Jinmen that He answered my prayers. I had talked to God about friendships and work relationships and teaching. I asked God to show me how to care for myself, be in good standing with people, and do my best each day. I have shortcomings, and some days are harder than others. That is life. I was afraid of a lot of things because I felt incompetent, unworthy, and dispassionate after the first week. Things changed in my dynamics with co-teachers, peers, and myself. It's all growing pains, and I'm just glad to be over the first set of obstacles.
My main adjustment now is teaching. The learning curve has been more of a learning cusp. I don't have any news on my teaching other than it's a process, and I will get to a point where I'm at ease in the classroom and creating interactive and engaging lesson plans.
Since I have been here, I have been living with the phrase, "I don't know." I don't know what I want to do in life. I don't know how this is affecting me or my family or my friends. I don't know what any of this means. I don't know why I am here other than the reasons of the Fulbright grant. I don't know what my life will look like in the next year, much less the next month. I don't know. For someone who likes to know things, it has been uncomfortable to co-exist with the phrase. I don't know, and I don't know when I will know. Right now, I don't need to know. I need to work, create lesson plans, make activities. My adult life has just started, and it's quite pretentious to have a 40-year plan this early in life. Some do, but I have a one-week plan. I'm working on the one-month plan. Other than ideas for the big picture, I haven't thought about how and where and when to place different puzzle pieces. I don't know. For the first time, I'm okay with not knowing. That's the fun in life, not knowing so I must explore and find out! Someday, I will have a plan for the next month and the next year. I will know a passion or two. I will have an answer someday, but for now, I will be okay in the I-don't-know phase of life. God kept me through the process before, and He is keeping me through the process now. I could ask all the questions now and worry and wonder about the answers or I could live and let God answer in His timing. I may not see His hand right now, but I can see His fingerprints.
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